Allow me a little self-indulgence…

Once we decided to move to Berlin, I became hyper-vigilant about preparing myself for a few of the obstacles that come with living in a foreign country. I knew, for example, that there’s always a certain amount bureaucratic bullshit that every (legal) expat has to deal with, so I spent a lot of time digesting the information on the Bundesministerium des Innern website. It actually proved to be an incredibly helpful resource, and without it, we never would have gotten an Apostille, and our three trips to the “Foreign Citizens Office” wouldn’t have gone as smoothly as they did. No, they weren’t fun meetings, but considering that I was only yelled at once (“Du bist in Deutschland! In Deutchland man spricht und schreibt auf Deutsch!”) it wasn’t so bad.

While I’m on this subject, just because the German government provides immigration information in English, it doesn’t mean that their officials actually speak the pleasant-to-the-ears language of, like, Dickens or even, um, Larry the Cable Guy. I often hear people say that it’s not necessary to learn German because, “everybody in Berlin speaks English.” This is true if your friends are all Americans, Brits, Australians,Israeli or were educated in a Gymnasium in the West, but there are actually quite a lot of people who don’t speak English, as well as a lot of people who think they speak English better than they do. Besides, and this is going to sound totally right-wing, off-my-nut crazy, but it somehow seems disrespectful to move to another country and not at least try to learn the language and follow some of the local customs. So, I try.

If I’m being honest, these non-English speakers often end up being my favorite people here because they’re the only one’s who will speak German with me. Naturally, we don’t talk about Angela Merkel or Derek Jeter, but at least it gives me a chance to speak the language. At my age, learning a foreign language with a bunch of 18 – 25 year olds is fine up to a point, but for now, I’m content with trying to perfect my small-talk talents with the strange old ladies I meet when I’m running errands (”I see you’re buying 4 bottles of vodka. Is that a particularly delicious brand?”) and children ( “Look! There is a kitten! Isn’t that a cute kitten? It is a white and brown kitten, and I think it is the most beautiful kitten I have ever seen!”). The problem is, no matter how much one studies, there are certain things for which one simply can’t prepare.

Some things are evergreen. When my German doctor told me in German, as he popped a latex glove over his hairy right hand, to turn my head and cough, he mercifully had the same mildly embarrassed, almost shameful look that my doctors in the states have always had. Facial expressions and body language count for a lot, and I’ve gotten damn good at reading these things. Telling the doc that I lost 25 Kg over an 18 month period, and that my stomach kinda hurt wasn’t a problem. I learned most of the words I needed to use in my German classes. But getting a decent haircut has been straight out of a horror movie. How does one say, without looking the fool, “Make me look handsome, madam, like Cary Grant or, failing that, Drew Carey?” I have been to 7 different hair-cutteries, and on each occasion, my head comes out resembling the Berliner Dom. I’ve still not learned how to say “take a little off here” and “not so much there.” Thankfully, I had enough of the language to be able to soothe the poor woman who teared up as she tried to stop the bleeding after she took a chunk out of my ear. She actually gave me the best cut I’ve had in Berlin, but after drawing blood, I felt we had a tacit agreement that I would steer clear of her shop for the rest of my life.

Buying food is a also new experience. It took my wife and I a few months to understand that we have to do our shopping at sometimes five or six different stores, and we have to do it every day. The cut-rate places—Plus, Aldi, Lidl—each manage to carry at least one staple item that we like to consume. Aldi, as Hungry in Berlin pointed out, carries Trader Joe’s items. So that’s where we buy our walnuts and almonds. “Plus” sells the coffee we like to drink, Lavazza Caffé Creme, for a full 80 cents cheaper than our everyday Edeka supermarket sells it. Lidl’s Wasa Köstlich crackers are 10 cents cheaper than anywhere else in our hood. Lots of Germans have pooh-poohed us when we’ve mentioned that we purchase staple goods at these stores: “I only buy Bio foods,” they say before sinking their teeth into a chunk of curry wurst. By the way, dear blogosphere, what the hell is Quark and is it really healthy to slather half a tub of the stuff on your potatoes? No one has as yet adequately explained it to me.

Not only is buying food a challenge, learning to cook it in a foreign country can be a task, too. I won’t go into all of the dirty details, but we’re constantly trying to figure out how to deal with different ingredients being cooked at different temperatures. Lots of websites have been helpful like Amiexpat and Joanne Moss Design. One thing we’ve perfected, thanks in part to these sites, is the Toll-House Cookie recipe. Please to try it if you get a hankering:

Toll House Cookies
Preheat oven to 191 degrees C

280g #405 flour
1 tsp. Kaiser Natron (or Arm&Hammer Baking Soda if you’ve got it, and don’t skimp if you like fluffy cookies)
1 tsp. Salt
150g Sugar
160g brown sugar (We found a Thai brand at an Asian shop that is just like the kind you buy in the US)
1 tsp. Vanilla (try to use Vanilla extract and not bourbon vanilla.)
220g Butter
2 large eggs
100g of chocolate chunks (we chop up an 80% cocoa bar because we think the rich chocolate content tastes great with the saltiness of the dough, but you should use what you like).
50 – 100g toasted Walnuts (you can do this in a skillet but we just put them in the preheating oven for about 8 minutes)

1. Combine flour, natron and salt in a small bowl.
2. In a large bowl, cream the butter with the two sugars and vanilla. Beat in eggs one at a time until you have a creamy mixture.
3. Gradually beat in flour mixture.
4. Stir in chocolate and nuts.
5. Drop rounded spoonfuls onto a cookie sheet, about 2 inches (5 cm) apart.

Bake for 9 to 11 minutes.